Opposites attract but can they endure? Many times not. We are instinctively drawn towards someone who is different, who has qualities we are short on, who brings a little excitement into our lives. We call it spicing up our lives. But spices can be hard on us and too much can really make us sick. If you have a doomed marriage, you are probably pretty sick already from too much contamination from your partner.
Years ago it was necessary for marriages to endure because there was so much financial necessity. People were just expected to stay married 40 or 50 years or until they dropped. But society has changed dramatically and women are no longer dependent and unable to fend for themselves. This has brought about a rebellion of women against men who stifle them or discredit them at every opportunity. Men also have higher expectations than just a warm bed and meals prepared. People have ‘evolved’ and they want more.
That which draws us to the fire can singe us and even cause fatal burns. Think of the romantic man who brings flowers, cards, lingerie, and candy to his woman who then gives him the cold shoulder which is her nature. She does not want intimacy. But they were drawn together in the first place because he saw her as a queen, demanding excellent treatment and she was impressed with his being willing to bend and give and accept what affection she was willing to provide. How quickly things can sour when the man expects demonstrations of affection and consistent closeness and his wife feels she is being smothered and pulls away This marriage is doomed. It is just a question of when.
Here’s another doomed couple. He is an investment banker, practical, shrewd, calculating, and judgemental. She is a free spirit, a lover of life, an achiever who can be a bit of an opportunist. She was attracted to him due to his dedication and strength. He saw her as someone who could make his life less boring and who would be able to help him due to her social skills. They seemed ideally suited to each other. However, he is a very critical person who is quick to judge and does not take her side, even though he knows she needs this. She sees him as judge, jury, and executioner who has ruined her love of life and she wants to remove him from the bench. This marriage may flounder along for years but eventually the writing on the wall becomes too real and they end up in explosive recriminations.
Then there’s the beauty who loves men and loves to flirt. She lives for love and romance and men are attraced to her because she seems to ‘earth’. She meets the shy guy who watches her from afar and is only tentative trying to get her attention at first. He finally catches her eye and impresses her with his immediate devotion, loyalty, and protectiveness with her. She thinks she has found the love of her life and so does he. However, after they are married, she continues to act in a seductive, flirty manner which is second nature to her. He is jealous and suspicious, thinking she cannot be trusted unless she is watched and checked upon. She gets her back up and says she is not a child to be monitored. He says he never choose to be married to a slut who is always looking for greener pastures. This is a dangerous combination, one which can result in one of these people getting injured seriously.
If you are in a doomed marriage, you will probably go to pastors, marriage counselors, friends, and family asking for support and suggestions. The problem is they are not walking in your shoes. It is very easy for them to tell you to keep soldiering on but time has a way of running out and youth has a way of leaving you before you know it.
Impossible, doomed relationships are exciting and promising at first, then disturbing, depressing, and even dangerous later. If you find yourself in one of these, just get out and start over. You can never change anyone else and really cannot do much about changing your basic personality. Perhaps you can survive for a while but you will not thrive or grow or be happy. Find the exit door and look around for someone who is more like you, who shares the same values, who can be your friend and confidante. We all like the bad boys and bad girls who draw us like moth to the flames. But they can burn us and burn up our time on this earth. Run for your life because your life depends on it.
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