Depression is anger directed inward. For some reason, sometimes when we are hurt by others, we turn the pain inside and suffer. I can remember so many clients I saw in therapy who were being treated miserably at work or at home but did not want to face up to the problem. Instead, they unconsciously ’sucked it up’ , internalized their feelings, and ended up with heart attacks, ulcers, cancer, and broken hearts.
So often being on the short side of the ‘blame game’ begins in childhood. Having angry, destructive parents can make for a fearful, anxious child. Bad parents often scapegoat their kids because their kids have no means to fight back. They are small and controlled by their parents who provide their food and shelter—or not. Children want their parents’ love and will do just about anything to get it, including being hit, criticized, belittled, and punished.
So many girls who saw their mothers abused end up marrying abusive men. We stick with what we know, what we view as usual relationships and behavior. Get used to accepting blame, being run over, and being hurt and it tends to stick. We tell ourselves that staying with the devil we know rather than taking a chance on a new devil is safer. So we get in a rut and accept abuse as usual.
If you are depressed you have tried many ways to deal with it. You have spent long hours working, exercising, and getting involved in sports and activities. You have used alcohol to self medicate and perhaps strayed onto the path of illegal drugs. You have sought out self help groups or religion or therapy. You have lost yourself in internet activity and maybe veered off into pornography or internet relationships.
It’s hard to be honest with yourself about your pain because you may have to confront the fact that one or more of your relationships may be in the tank. Maybe you are trying to be an ostrich, hiding your head in the sand, avoiding the cruel truth. You don’t want to make a big stink and change your life by admitting that someone you care about is a real source of grief and toxic to you. If you look realistically at the situation, you might have to do something about it, make a change and change is hard.
The truth is when you are depressed, you are getting mad at yourself rather than being mad at someone who is hurting you. Maybe you feel you have no right to express your feelings. Maybe your experience taught you that speaking your mind can get you into trouble and into arguments which you would rather avoid. Maybe you secretely know in your heart that if you confront reality and tell the source of your pain how you feel, the relationship will end. What will you do then?
People can be as toxic to you as cancer, even though you have close ties to them. They can spoil your soul and ruin your love. They can make you feel hopeless, trapped, and very depressed. They can betray you and break the trust. You cannot afford to take all the blame and make yourself sick and unhappy. There comes a time when you must confront the situation and even leave if it is necessary, if the toxic person has no intention of changing, is your very mental health depends on it.
Remember, depression is anger directed inward. Don’t let anyone else destroy your life and your spirit. Stand up for yourself and let the chips fall where they may. You are too worthwhile and good to keep internalizing all that pain.
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