Who among us hasn’t had stage fright or a fear of giving a speech in class? I personally could not eat the evening before I knew I had to get up and give my presentation in front of the whole class. When it was over, I was always so happy and feeling so relaxed. But I know there are far worse feelings you have when you are just plain scared to do something with or around or in front of people. You see humiliation coming a mile away and you will do anything to avoid it. You know that you do things when you are this upset which will let people know you are afraid. They will look down on you and see you as inferior and you can’t stand the thought of that.
You just know your face and body will give you away. If you go for a job interview they will be able to tell you are nervous and afraid. You hate to be introduced to someone new because you know you will blush and you won’t be able to make eye contact. You know you will say the wrong things and come off as stupid and inferior. You know there is something about your appearance which is not just right and everyone will see it for sure.
Janet is 28 and working for the government in procurement. She has been there for five years and has always gotten superior job ratings. She and her boss are friends and they pal around on weekends sometimes. Janet likes to stay in the background and do her work. She is never one to toot her own horn and tell people how well she is doing. In fact, just the opposite is true. She is shy and tries to stay in the back of the room and away from the office parties organized in her section. Janet is brought in to her boss’s office together with her boss’s boss and they are very happy to tell her that they are giving her a promotion. She will have to travel some but her pay will rise big time and she will be on the path to future move upward because she is a good worker. Janet is tongue tied and mumbles and her bosses laugh and say she is probably just surprised at her good news. However, Janet is not surprised, just terrified. She has a horrible fear of flying plus she will have to go into new places and give things to new people and have to talk to people she hasn’t even met yet. She actually freezes and has to take the rest of the day off. The next day she comes in and tells her boss she is going to turn down the job offer and her boss is amazed. After all, she recommended Janet and now it is going to look bad for her. Janet lowers her head and does not look at her boss but says she does not want the promotion. Now Janet feels horrible in her present job and her boss is no longer so friendly towards her. She feels very isolated and lonely and wonders if people know about her turning down the job and are laughing at her. She is truly miserable.
Liz is 24, beautiful, and very attractive. She is a head turner and men are very friendly and interested. When she was small, she had a serious skin problem and became shy and self conscious, avoiding going out of the house when it was not totally necessary. As she got out of her teens, her skin cleared up and she blossomed into a stunner. Liz’s brain never got the message. Even though she is beautiful and people are always telling her so, she still feels ugly, shy, and self conscious. She goes out to bars with her friends but will not talk to guys there. The men who try to approach her and are rebuffed say she is stuck up and impressed with herself but she is hurting inside. She would like to meet someone, get married, and have a family but she is so backward that her friends say they will have to arrange dates and courtship for her. She blushes but thinks perhaps her loyal friends could fix her up with a life mate.
These stories are true . Both women were so worried and self conscious and concered with what might go wrong they they could take no chances, no risks. Instead both are miserable , always the outsider, always watching other people live their lives.
Social fears can be huge and turn into frightening life situations when you see them that way. They are not fears to be minimized or laughed off by well meaning friends or family. These scared feelings can twist you up inside and make any social experience potentially a disaster. Being the outsider, the strange one, the loner can make your life a sad, hopeless experience.
Fears of social situations can be lowered considerably . You do not have to feel strange or different. You do not have to be the outsider. You will find out how to take a different approach to life and actually have fulfilling relationships and good experiences. Don’t be discouraged. Help is on the way.
More in blogs to come.
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