The only thing worse than dealing witih your own worries is dealing with your child’s worries. It is the sum of all fears- thinking you may have passed this dreaded problem off to your little one. (No matter how old they are, they are our little ones.)
Our kids do worry about different things than we do but they also worry about a lot of the same things that bug us. They worry about being away from you, feeling left out, not getting good grades, and not getting their homework completed. They worry their teachers do not like them, that they do not dress like their friends, that they are ugly, that they will be late for school. They worry about moving, changing schools, and losing a friend. They worry their parents might get divorced, that their parents fight, that they will be hurt. They fear bullies, big dogs, and strange adults.
Just as it is normal that you feel stress, your child feels it too. Because you love your child, you want to know how to figure out when your child’s stress is getting to be too much. You have this horrible scary feeling that if your child’s fears get out of control, you won’t be able to work your magic and make things right. So here’s what you need to look for:
Your child starts having headaches and stomach pains.
You see signs of agitated, frightened, scared behavior.
Your child seems sad or depressed.
Your child stops talking and seems preoccupied.
The former joy and happiness is gone.
Your child is negative and irritable.
There is no interest in playing with friends.
Your child just wants to sit and watch TV.
There is a big change in appetite.
There is a big change in sleep habits.
Your child’s grades fall for no apparent reason
You find out your child is not going to school or is having problems there.
You find that your child is lying or stealing.
Your child talks about failure and fears trying to do well.
If you think your child is experiencing worry and stress, you have to sit down with your child and talk things out. Remember, you know the benefit of talking about your fears and your child needs to feel safe to do the same with you. It is essential that you reassure your little one that the problem can be solved and the world is not over. Your job as a parent is to give reassurance, support, and ways to handle difficult situations. You, as a worrier, can explain that you have had worries and it does not make you silly or foolish or a whiner. The important thing is to share that there are ways to cope and get past problems and that you are right there when needed.
When you see your child stressed, remember how it has been for you when you feel worried and unsure. Let yourself feel what your child is feeling. Talk about things like how it feels to be scared, left out, and hurt. Say that all kids go through times of feeling this way and it is not at all unusual. This lets your child feel OK about talking through what is difficult. You do not like to feel like the odd duck and neither does your child.
When you sense your child is going through a stressful time, make the time to be available. Make the effort to talk at a certain time every day. Be especially reassuring and affectionate at bedtime when all worries seem to get worse.
If all else fails, it is fine to talk to a child psychologist, explain the situation, and ask for a consultation. I can remember talking to many children about matters like fear of dogs, fear of school, and fear of bullies. I always made sure the child was comfortable and used a lot of humor to get the child feeling comfortable. Make sure if your child sees a counselor that he or she is friendly, open, and nice.
Now I also want you to examine what is going on in your home. Sometimes children under stress have parents and siblings under stress. If there is a crisis going on, be the good parent and give lots of reassurance to your child to make sure there is no thought that the child might be responsible for the trouble. I have talked with children who told me that they thought that their dad left home because they were bad. Now that’s awful.
Just be there and be supportive, like you would want someone to be with you. You can do it. I know you can.
More to come in future blogs. Thanks to you who have e mailed me and suggested topics.
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