Sexual pressure used to be totally commonplace on the job but it has had to be toned down with the sexual harassment laws.  That does not mean it has stopped.   It’s just a little less obvious.   The sexed up leader knows how you dress, how you sit, how you look going away, and hints that you might be up for a little romance.   They will tell you it’s all business but you know that’s a lie from the very beginning.   They want like minded people around them and encourage salty jokes and provocative talk.   They insist on the personal touch and do remember birthdays, special occasions, and encourage office get togethers at holidays.  The better to be able to get someone to have a few drinks and lessen some inhibitions.  Let’s get it on!

Your Sexy Boss is always having hurt feelings.   Somebody didn’t remember, someone passed on by, someone set the stage for rejection.   So the Seductive Boss likes to bitch and complain a lot and nurse old grievances.   This boss also loves to gossip, dish the dirt, and find out who is playing around and having marital trouble.  Attractiveness and ‘personal’ interpersonal skills are stressed.  This person is a believer in people power and influencing people by getting close to them.   Coyness, flirtatiousness, looking sexy, and being attentive and helping out will go a long way with this leader. 

This is the CEO you will hear about getting involved with an employee and getting divorced.   This will be the person who is known to have affairs and think others are having them too.  They always perceive themselves as desirable and cute as a button.  They preen and posture and have  dramatic flair.    It can be a real life soap opera around this boss who always has a grudge going, someone who has been rejecting or hurtful, and someone who is withholding affection.   They are caretakers who want to get in your business and find out what’s troubling you.   They are protective of their people and will fight for them, unless, of course, it makes them appear less attractive and wanted.   Their language is salty, funny, and they are fun to be around as long as you know that revenge, intrigue, and jealousy are just around the corner. 

Does this seem like a fun boss?   Maybe because it won’t be boring and you won’t be ignored.   This leader know who you are and how you feel and if something different is happening with you.   The words ’sweetie, dear, angel, my savior’ and such words will be bouncing around.  Honey will be everywhere until you look the wrong way, get in a snit and won’t talk, or even worse, gossip about this leader.   You can carry tales about everyone else but remember to keep this boss’s secrets.   Another thing you will notice about these bosses is they tend to get along fairly well with other leaders due to their ingratiating way of sucking up and seeming terribly interested the other person’s life, family, and outside activities.   When they are down their shoulders are slumped, they drag themselves along, have that ‘woe is me’ look on their faces, and want you to pat them, reassure them, and tell them how much you care about how they are feeling.  Their hearts are on their sleeves and if you tend to be a cold fish, you don’t want to keep working for this one because you will be seen as unfair, uncaring, and unworthy of a job.   Out you go and isn’t it just too bad that you couldn’t adjust.

If you are the Sexy Leader, try to play fair all the way around. You know you are more fair to some than others depending on what they can do for you.   Quit being a crybaby around your people and expecting them to rescue you everything your lip quivers.   Keep your paws off the employees and even if you can’t stop fantasizing about someone who works for you, keep a lid on it.   Don’t be so quick to take ’sides’ when one of your favorites gets into it with someone who is not on your top list.   Business is business and keep it that way most of the time.   I know, you can’t help but gossip and flirt but keep it to a minimum.  The good thing about you is you will have spies running to you with any news that could affect your position.   The bad news is you bitch too often and too loud and that could get carried to the wrong people, if you know what I mean.

So tell me, folks, do you know the Sexy, Seductive Leader?   E mail me your stories and how you handle this emotional leader who seems to suffer from chronic hurt feelings.   Remember, all e mails are confidential.

Thanks.   Sharon

The person you work for and the person who leads you has a profound effect on your life.   If you like, admire, respect and get along with the boss, you have a good attitude about going to work, putting forth the extra effort, and getting the job done.   When you arrive on the job you are good to go.    When you leave, you are satisfied and ready to go home and live your other life.  There is a smooth transition when you head home.  You may be tired but you are OK.

On the other hand if you hate your boss, think he or she is a total asshole, you want to get back and rebel in subversive manners.  Lots of you have already sent suggestions of how you have worked against your boss to make your point.   You know that the boss has the CONTROL and you are in a position to have to at least appear to be going along with the program.   You are angry when you go in to work and fume while you are there.   You want every break you can get, and look for opportunities to sluff off if you can.  But you know you have to be sly because it is no longer easy to change jobs and get needed insurance benefit coverage.   So you are stuck and stuck people tend to get mean and vindictive.  There’s nothing you would rather see that your boss fall flat and get fired.  You are delighted when your hours on the job are over so you can now live your ‘real life’.  You have to find a way to ‘decompress’ as you are heading home and many times can’t wait for that first beer to smooth things out.

Many of you think there are truly evil bosses who should be eliminated.   You feel they are exploiting you and all you are is a robot, going through the motions.   And you are hesitant to discuss your feelings with your co workers because they might rat on you and get you fired.     And you know there is always that ‘mole’ running around, trying to get you to make negative comments which can quickly get reported.  It’s like your job is an ‘ulcer’ in itself. Your resume is out there but nobody is hiring.  When soebody else gets a break and leaves, you are sad to be left behind.  It can eat at you, cause you to drink more, eat more, and fight with your spouse and family because they are easy targets.   When you are on the job, you are there is body only because your escape is to let your mind take you away.   That’s why so many people with access to computers at work use them for personal desires.  That’s why people use sick leave as much as they can and come late to work.   That’s why they have ‘accidents’ on the job and learn a lot about Workman’s Comp and Unemployment insurance.   

We all know that leaders/bosses are not going to change.   They got where they are by doing what they do naturally, which is mostly screwing you over.   That’s what you all are telling me and your opinions are very, very strong.

I will keep rolling along because there are many more miserable bosses besides Bossy, Ruthless, Detailed, and the Cocky Show Off.   Keep sending me your stories and I will use them to help my descriptions.   Tell me when you think I am right on target and when you think I missed the mark.   I’m on your side.

Remember, keep those donations coming as it helps keep my fingers loose on the computer.   Thanks. Sharon

They are on a continual roll and there’s  hell to pay when things go wrong.   They have to be in the center of everything, talking louder and faster than anyone else.   They work hard to get along with  Bossy Leader and the Ruthless leader by joking around and lavishing praise and being ‘yes’ people.   As long as they get to be on stage with everyone watching, they are really enjoyable people.   When they are put down, frowned on, criticized, or humiliated, there is going to being plenty of trouble.  But they usually  try to play the clown and put on the clown face because they need to be accepted and appreciated.

These leaders tend to be flashy but not deep.  The ones I’ve known are very ’surface’ types. They are the ones for which the song “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with” was written.  They never want to get bogged down in detail or  consider things in depth which makes it horrible for them to get along with the Detailed leader.   Everything is rushed and pressured and there is no time for re thinking anything.   No excuses.   Move.   It’s off to the races and the limelight.   They are fair weather friends who will disown you when things go wrong because now you have become a downer who makes them look bad and keeps them off the stage.

The smiling , encouraging face of this leader does get them places.  Smile and the world smiles with you.  Put on a show, get people to laugh, and the atmosphere is excellent.   They are ingratiating to people they need and aggreeable to anyone they want to impress.   But  they are the ones who wish to be worshiped and adored.   They want the glory and simply pretend to go along with the accomplishments and fame of others.   They seeth inside when they are not the center of the applause.

This leader can embarrass you with being an attention whore.   Needing the spotlight, he or she will be anything to be the center of attention.   Even if it means being outlandish or simply rude.   I know one for example who would make a huge deal of folding up dollars as tips for the waitrress and then taking time explaining why he did this and ‘wasn’t this just great’?   Everyone was supposed to clap and applaud but the first time in a restaurant, it worked.   The second or third time it was a downer.   This leader can’t take a bow and leave.   It has to happen over and over and over and over again.

How do you work for this cocky, show off?  First, give attention and acknowledgement to this blowhard when he or she enters the scene—ALL THE TIME.  Maintain a smiling face and for god’s sake, laugh at any and every joke, no matter how many times you have heard it.    Move quickly, show enthusiasm, and be willing to run at high speed when told.  Always remember the goal.   Get the showoff  in the limelight so you can have some time to take a breather.  .  Never try to hog the stage or get the glory for yourself.   Know your place.   You are hired help and can be replaced.   Frown for long and you will be placed somewhere, not to be seen.  Expect and accept being bullied and pressured to put a rush on when the show off demands it.   Don’t walk, run—and right now. By the way, you will be the one sitting at the desk, doing all the work.    The show off will not be able to sit still for long and will be prancing and dancing around,  rallying the troops, and playing the pied piper.  Too many negative comments and forgetting to constantly praise this boss can put you on the street.

OK.   You  are the Show Off.   You are really something.   You are puffed up and cocky and sure of yourself.   You think you can bluff your way through anything with your willing smile.   Sometimes you can. But you better have a lot of ‘think tank’ people behind you and stay out of their way.   Make sure you have the people to take care of the details and watch for mistakes  because you’re too busy riding in the parade to do it yourself.   And watch our for your Jekyll and Hyde personality.    When you feel that you have not been appreciated, acknowledged, or criticized in the least, you become a show off with fangs, ripping into anyone who gets in your way.   Nobody will like you this way.   You expect everyone around to to keep up the pace, have ten balls in the air, and be happy about it.   Slowpokes drive you nuts and you have to watch your mouth if being critical at the wrong time, wrong place will put you off the stage.  You have to entertain and exaggerate and bull shit non stop , making people around you want to run for cover.  Learn to take a break and let others take the attention so you can have a breather.  Prancing and dancing are fine in a parade but there are times you have to be serious, concerned, and appropriately quiet.   Accept that there is a time and place for laughter and sadness.

So, folks, what do you think of this cocky show off?   Am I on target and have you been around one you cannot stand?    Are you the cocky leader who is seeing this and bristling for the chance to blow me away?  Always e mail with your encounters with the Show Off- also  Bossy,  Ruthless,  and the Detailed Leader.

Remember to keep sending donations which keep me typing away for your enjoyment.   Thanks.   Sharon

The ruthless leader starts off at an early age being a major competitor and refusing to lose and accept defeat.   There is always some evil force in the way, someone out to get them.   There is always an enemy in the background who has to be defeated.    This leader is a relentless climber,  a very hard worker, and a schemer who plots most of the time.   Work, work, work, that’s this person’s mantra.    So you better be ready to work your tail off to keep yourself on the team and acceptable.  Competition is a battleground and you have to keep up the combat mentality.   It’s always essential to keep your eyes on the prize and be faster and quicker than the other guy.  This leader will appreciate your cut throat attitude.   This is a leader who is ready to go to war and doesn’t mind accepting a few casualties, as long as it’s you who are one of them.   This leader is known for being a warrior and the stakes are always high.  I know one in particular who declared that anyone who hadn’t netted  his first million by the time he was 30 ‘had no balls’.   When you work for this leader you have a place, and it is at the bottom of the heap.   He or she and ’special friends’ will always be taken care of while you get the crumbs.

I recall a situation where there were two sister who owned a large company which was growing by leaps and bounds.    One was very cunning and crafty. While the other sister was on vacation, the ruthless sister arranged to take complete control of the company and force the other sister out.   What a family person this ruthless one was.    And guess what the response was of the one doing the dirty deed?   ‘Well, this is just business and I did what I thought was best for the company’.   With the ruthless driven leader you are working for and with someone who will sacrifice you immediately if you seem expendable. 

Stay alert and watchful to see how the tide is rolling.  This leader wants ‘yes people’ all around and you’d better be agreeing and nodding when you hear this leader’s agenda.   He or she who expresses disapproval or disagreement is on borrowed time.   You will get the ax, sooner than later.   The crown is worn by only one person and that is this ruthless leader.   Any subversive activity will be squelched and you will be separated from the herd and isolated.    The wolf isolates you, then attacks and you are gone   Incidentally, this leader will fire you on the spot so keep you head up and watch what is happening around you   If you notice people are drifting away from your side and no one wants to have lunch with you, you are a marked person.   Either the top wolf or the appointed ax person will soon be at your door.

So why would anyone in their right mind work for this person?   Some people love the intrigue and the constant warfare atmosphere.    There are always many carrots being dangled, promises being made, and warm encouragement being given out for hard work.   Some people are attracted to strong, hard leaders and like to be in their company.  They want to be part of that successful team.   Some people don’t have the guts to do the dirty work, but like to work for someone who does.   Some people like to bask in the sunshine of the wolf’s success and want to be associated with a ‘winning team’.   But anyone who works for this ruthless leader needs to understand one thing.    The motto is’ What have you done for me lately?’ and if you stop producing, no matter what you did in the past, you’re a goner.  The wolf and the pack will leave you behind to fend for yourself when pickens get slim.   Never count on loyalty with this driven leader.

So how in the world do you stay safe with this leader and survive?    Work and work and work and produce results.   Be a slave to the work and put everything else second.   Don’t whine about all the work dumped on you.   Smile and say ‘I can handle this.’  Watch which way the wind is blowing and never blow against the wind.  Agree that this leader is right and has the right strategy.    When your leader gets all hyper and angry about the nerve of competitors, jump right again and agree they are all bastards.   Don’t expect parties and socialization with this leader because after all, who are you to require time and attention?   Smile, agree, nod, and keep working like your job depends on it.    It does.

Now what if you are the wolf, the ruthless leader?   Sometimes you have to cover up your fangs and instead wear a ribbon and convince people that you are actually very friendly and caring.  You are actually a warm cuddly teddy bear. (Ha!) Make your personality work for you, not against you.   Show that you are the fighter and the contender but sometimes tone down your rhetoric and don’t sound so extreme.  Build a coalition of people who will march to your orders and follow instructions at any costs.   Grit your teeth and smile a little, make some small talk, and ask about your employees’ families.   I know, I know, you couldn’t care less.   But it takes the edge off and sometimes you have to wear a smiley face rather than a war bonnet.   You have a terrible habit of making sworn enemies and you cannot watch your back all the time so you need to pick out a few loyalists who will do the job for you and report any threat or subversive conversation.   You do always think that people are out to get you and most of them are because of how you treat them.   Watch your back and beware that special friend you trust who is always on your side.   That is usually the person who in the end will stab you in the back and bring you down.    It’s the ruthless way, after all.

This leader pauses a lot , sometimes stutters then speaks very quickly, makes gestures to illustrate, and will be self depreciating to make others feel at ease.   What a boss! This leader is never described as ‘mean’ or ‘cruel’.  I have even know many of them who have funny blow up illustrations to make their points to team leaders and pass out silly award cards.   This is the boss who runs around the office with a Santa Claus hat at Christmas and many of the meetings they conduct are zany and funny while making very serious points.    Here’s the bottom line.    Employees like this leader.  Employees will follow the leader  when the Doubting Thomas points the way.

So what’s the problem, you say.   This person is destined to zoom to the top from the get go, right?  Oops.   Did I forget to mention there are few little negatives to work out for this person?  Well, come on.   It’s never that easy.   Underneath the doubtful leader is always wondering if he or she will be ‘found out’ to be not as capable or certain as others might think.   They sense that there is a gap in their knowledge, something they have not considered, some detail which has been overlooked.   Therefore, this person is full of self doubt but people do not sense this.  

Detail, detail, and more detail is needed to make good decisions.  Therefore every possibility must be explored, checked, rechecked, and then there is still skepticism.    When you work for this leader, you will be asked question after question, tested as to how well you know your subject, and asked for just one more set of information before things move forward.  

Another think to note about this leader is it’s best if there is a positive atmosphere around because if this boss gets negative, negativity tends to continue.    If there is a screw up, if a detail is missed, if a project goes south because someone didn’t input the right information, this jokester can get nasty.   No longer the friendly, soothing, encouraging person, this leader will tell you flat out how you screwed up, how you’d better not do it again, and how you really reflected badly on the team.   But lucky for you, you aren’t working for the Boss who would fire you on the spot and boot you out the door.

This leader doesn’t show you he or she is under pressure but under the calm veneer, there is a lot of frustration and second guessing.   You will know this is happening when this leader gets up, walks to the water cooler, gets a cup of coffee, whistles, then looks very serious.   Then you know there will be a lot of procrastination about things getting moved along because this overthinker is bogged down and can’t make a decision.  

That’s when you as the employee come to the aid of your leader.   You roll your sleeves up and try to research every tiny bit of information which could add to the problem solving process.  Be prepared to answer every question asked of you and don’t be vague and unsure.   Be confident and sure of your facts (and this better be true) and ask if there is any more detail you can find.   Also it won’t hurt to make a quick little quick joke or play on words to lighten things up a bit.  Draw a smiley face and keep it on your desk. Do not ask more questions, encourage doubt, or say that things need to checked one more time.   It is flirting with disaster because if you even mention a possibility of misgiving, you will have to run through the whole process again, not just once either.  All in all, be brief, to the point, smile a lot, and do a good job and this leader will like and respect you.

Now what about you if you are an Overthinker Leader?   You are a double doubter who always is thinking there is a bit of information missing to solve the puzzle.   You tend to ask too many questions and then doubt what you hear.  You get a little obsessive compulsive about things and focus too much on the ‘what ifs’.   You go into too much detail often times and lose your audience.   That’s when you have to bring your inner joker out and break the tension.   Sometimes you are so accommodating of others that you add additional burdens on yourself and this gets you in trouble with your family who want you home when the work day is done.  You work best when you work no more than 50 hours a week because you are so intense that you get more done than other people who would need 70 hours to do the same work.  Remember, you are most effective and get people working their butts off for you when you are loose as a goose, less formal, and relaxed.

If you are an Overthinker Leader, you may have a hard time playing hardball with other leaders if their personalities are overwhelming and intimidating.   You don’t like to fight and argue like some of the other intense Leaders.   Reasoning is good, you say, but screaming gets you nowhere.   On the other hand, you don’t want to let others get the idea that you are a pushover who will back down.   Even though it’s against your nature, sometimes you have to play very hard ball and let people know you are a force to be reckoned with.  If you want to stay the leader, remind everyone occasionally who is running the show.  

Keep using your humor and easy way with people to get a lot done.   Once you have gotten enough information (and you have to get to that point sooner than later), move forward and accept you have made a decision.   Doubting and double doubting will only hurt you in your role as a leader.   Remember, those who work for you want to be sure you have a real sense of direction.    Your personality affect how people react to you so let them see you as a ‘decider’ who has the facts, Jack.

Here’s my question to you reading about the Overthinker Leader.   Have I hit it on the head and do you work for a person like this?   If you are an Overthinker Leader, e mail me about how you have used your personality to get big things done and keep all your followers on your side.

So is this person a control freak who demands obedience and expects quick compliance?   Sometimes,for sure.   One of the reasons this leader rises to the top is that he or she charges to the top, taking over, making decisions, and making people agree with them.  They are demanding, insistent, and talk over you when you are trying to make your point.  People listen because they are colorful and give superb explanations.  That’s because they feel they are best at what they do and say.  You are lesser and you’d better accept your place. 

 We don’t like these people—or do we?

Sometimes we need that controlling person who takes charge, accepts responsibility, and doesn’t worry about offending anybody.   Sometimes someone has to take the reins and drive the horses to finish the race.  There are so many times when most of us just want to lay back, let things work themselves out, and let the dust settle.   The boss charges in , sets the pace, and gets us all moving forward.   And we do things we never thought we could complete, never could finish.    Now when we work for the ‘Boss’ we bitch a lot because we get tired of being treated like children.   But we also get a lot of benefit because this leader is always driving towards the new and spectacular which means money in our pockets when the benefits roll in from all that innovation.   The Boss actually does look out for employees, almost as if they are dependent children.

I know people who have said they would rather be dead than work for a leader like this.   They simply cannot be bullied and charmed into working excess hours, redoing their work because it isn’t perfect, and having that finger waved in the face.   But I know an equal amount of people who love working for the Boss because their standard of living and financial reward has been huge working for this leader.

Remember, personality has to do with the effect you have on people.   The Boss could be even more effective if he or she could count to 10 before the explosion.   If the finger shaking could be minimized  and the yelling and screaming could be toned down, the Boss would have even greater influence over others.  Instead of making every situation into a crisis, this person would be so much more successful keeping an eye on the main , most pressing situation and delegating the rest to others.   The Boss has to understand delegating is essential and other people are  capable.   YES THEY ARE and you have to give others a chance to be a leader.  

Unfortunately, if you are a Boss type leader, you are going to burn out sooner or later because you burn out going 24-7 , always on alert.  You are likely to have to force yourself to relax and many times get hooked on booze or drugs to bring you down.   Since you are always looking for more excitement, you can get yourself in trouble in your marriage.   Because you are so bossy, you can drive your children away from you and end up lonely in your older years.   No one is willing to listen to you anymore because they don’t have to.

Boss Leader, beware.   You do so much good and yet can end up destroying everything you built up by not being able to calm down , continuing to command everything and everyone around you.    You have what is considered one of the strongest, forceful personalities.   It can make the road to the top fairly quick and easy for you, but it can also ruin everything precious to you. 

To those who work for the BOSS:   Do not try to go toe to toe with this person in a screaming match.   You will lose.   Suggest to the Boss, do not demand.   When the Boss does a fantastic job, give a lot of support.   When the yelling starts, back down and wait until things cool off.   Silence can be very effective with the Boss.  A battle only happens when someone else enters into combat with bossy.  The ranting and raving will eventually die down and it’s back to business as usual.   Do your absolute best and do not goof off as you will be found out and punished.  

If you are The Boss or you work for him or her, please send your stories and tell me what your opinion is.  What do you think about this type of leader?   Am I wrong in this description or am I dead on?  And keep those small contributions coming in as they get me going and motivate me to help you even more.    Thanks.    Sharon

Leaders are not flukes and their achievements are not accidents.   Out society does not clamour around and hand over the reins to the most talented or the hardest workers.  So what are people looking for in leaders, you ask.   It’s called charisma, personal magnetism, believability,  and the ability to exert influence, tremendous influence, over others.  It’s called communication , painting a picture of a path most likely to succeed.  We have had  dark, terrible leaders and leaders who have inspired us to do what we thought could not be done and do it.   IT’S THE PERSONALITY which turns each great person into a leader.   

Is there one set of characteristics which determine whether you will be a leader?   Do you have to fit a certain mold to get to the top?   Many books have been written telling you that you have to somehow ‘evolve’ and become someone who is not naturally you.   There are certain ‘musts’ , according to the experts you must adapt and change in order for your personality to lead you to the top.   Folks, you cannot change your basic personality.   If you are not a bossy, aggressive, hard charging,  and controlling person, you are not going to be able to transform yourself into one.   The secret is, each person’s personality gives each person the means to rocket upward.  Anyone who thinks the road to the top is paved with lies, pretending, and trying to impersonate others is being silly.

Some people are natural dreamers, others are watchful and observant, while some are planners who think things through  and plan for contingencies.  Some are strong and silent while others are outspoken and direct.   Some are distant and intellectual while others are easy going and compliant.   Each of these type of personalities have their own, unique, and special way of rising upward.   Just being able to know how to use your special talents, you can spiral upward.   On the other hand, you also have to know what can be a problem with the way you act, react, and communicate.

Emotions are a huge part of your personality.   Instead of trying to push them down, you need to learn how to let them out and let people see your emotions as an important -yes critical- part of your whole winning package.   Each personality can be a leader and history bears this out.   So you don’t have to remake yourself or try to pass yourself off as someone else.   You have it in you to be the leader who influences others.  

The path to glory comes from letting people know who you are and understand why you act the way you do.   Communication is everything because if people have to guess what you are up to, their guess will usually be incorrect and inaccurate.   You have to come out of your closet rather than presume that people can read you and know what’s coming.   

If you want people to follow you, you need to say what is on your mind and speak in terms people can relate to and understand.   One of the very top characteristics of a leader is making sure of being understood.   No one will follow someone who is not on the same page because they are not seeing things the same way.   You must have passion and everybody needs to ‘get’ your passion.  People follow passion and confidence.  They will follow you if you have passion,  great communication skills , and inspire confidence.

We will be going though various personality types and how each person can use his or her own unique personality to go for the leadership position desired.    Be sure and e mail me about how you think your personality has helped you or how it has gotten in your way.   Remember, all e mail is confidential and real names will never be used for illustrations.  

When I was growing up, there was this woman in the neighborhood everyone avoided.   They referred to her as ‘B.O. Plenty’.   In fact, she smelled bad.  People ran when they saw her coming.  ‘Here comes B.O., run for your lives.’  You would not describe this as a’personality problem’ but was it?   Having a good personality means being largely concerned with the effect you have on people.  So making sure that you do not upset others or alienate them may really be a large part of personality.  We have to look at all aspects of how we communicate and present to people when we use the big P word.

We inherit genes which can definitely affect our personality.   Also,many times people will remark that we have the personality of one of our parents.  Usually there is one parent we comunicate with better because we ‘talk the same talk’.  But personality is more than a gene pool.   It evolves as we  grow up and mature.   Family situations and events definitely shape what we view as our personality.  Social and environmental factors also play a big part.   There are parts of the country which emphasize communicating and  participating in social situations and others which value silence and  keepings things secret.  Our color, our race, our education, our time in history, and exposure to groups of person tend to mold our personality.    So it’s very hard to just talk about ‘personality’ as something static, not changing, not evolving.

One thing is definite.   Personality is important.   It affects who you will marry, what job  you have, where you will live, how you get along with people, and how happy you will be.  It’s no wonder that people run to courses which are supposed to tell them how to ‘get personality’.  If you have personality you get the good things in life.  If you don’t, you are on the outside looking in.  Personality can be a big plus or a big negative.

From the time we are in grade school we learn that some kids can sweet talk the teachers, get elected to class president, be voted most likely to succeed, and have other kids flocking around them.   They got the mojo we want.   Anyone who has been outside the ‘in crowd’ knows that fitting in and tucking in close to the popular kids will keep you on good terms with most.   There is so much power exerted even at a young age by those who instinctively know how to ‘win friends and influence people’.

Personality is power.   It is a strength which can drive you to the top and make others envious of your abilities.  It can be a horrible weakness when your personality is such that others do not want to help you, cooperate with you, support you, and team up with you.  So the next series of  blogs are going to be about what your personality is like and how you can make the best of it.  I am going to help you learn how to feel more likeable, more interesting, and more powerful.   I want you to believe that your personality can work for you, if you let it.  

Send me e mails as we begin as to how you believe your personality has helped you or hurt you throughout your life.   Remember, your identity will always be concealed.

Thanks, friends, and keep those small donations coming.

But the grim reality is that the numbers of suicides are increasing every year, in  the 15-19 year old group suicide death cause is second only to accident.   These young people just don’t realize that they are making a permanent decision to end a temporary problem.   The elderly, especially those who  lose a spouse or a beloved pet, commit suicide in large number.  

Loss, grief, lonliness, disillusionment, rage, and  betrayal  spur many on to end it all.   Many times drugs and alcohol are involved.    Terminally ill or those with horribly debilitating illness such as ALS simply want to have some final control regarding the way they die.  It is hard to view such people as ’sinful and godless’.  Many times people in such circumstances are commiting an act of love when they lift the burden off loved ones in a final act of putting oneself last.

Ever enter a hospital and have the clerk ask you if you have a living will prepared?   You have a right to take measures to make sure you are not kept alive when all hope is lost.  Too bad there does not seem to be such a directive available in a nursing home, maybe because a living will was not exercised in the hospital.   Most of the nursing homes I have visited are houses or horror where people are buried alive.

Depression, anxiety, stress loss, and no positive hope for the future deliver many into the hands of suicide. Negativity and pessimism are the malignant duo of depressed people who simply are tired of life and want to leave it.   Solutions seem silly, irrelevant, and unworkable.   There is nothing positive to hang on to and grab for dear life.   When there is a scarcity of hope, when life seems unbearable, ending it seems to be a good thing, at the time.   There is a sense of oppressive sadness in a suicidal person which cannot be mistaken.   Trapped in an awful sense of doom,  there is only one sure relief.   Tomorrow is not going to bring anything better.   Paralysis sets in and finality invades.  

Each person who commits suicide emits a cry for help but many times none of us listen.   Emotional, financial, physical, and spiritual pain is usually apparent.   Each of us has to decide when we have the responsibility to hear the cry or let it go unheard.

I like to think of those who are toxic to us as ‘dragons’ who are always with us, using every opportunity to take a ‘dump’ on us.  Any time you spend with that toxic dragon is siphoning the life right out of you.  Here’s what you must know.  The person who is toxic to you will not change, does not want to change, and wants to keep you right where you are–stuck in a pit of misery.  The Dragon wants to keep poisoning you and keep you under control.  The Dragon blows fumes at you and you become smaller and smaller in your heart and soul.

Toxic people roam around freely and openly because they can.  They are more in number than anyone wants to admit.   They take our energy, strength, love, and our precious time on this earth. This goes on and on and slowly before we know it, our lives are used up,our hearts and souls are ruined, and the dragon keeps on going like the energizer bunny.

This is a truth that each of us needs to understand. Some people cannot be around each other, be together, or even mix without harmful effects. There are definite mismatches that were never meant to be and certainly were not meant to continue.

Coming to grips with the fact that you must leave a toxic relationship is one of the most difficult things you will ever do. It is a life changing experience and you have to have the strength to do it.

Get Prepared To Slay The Dragon By Doing These Simple tasks:

Sit down with a friend, co worker, a neighbor, or a family member and review what is going on in the toxic relationship. You need someone who can help you put the whole situation in perspective. Unfortunately we may be so close we cannot see the forest through the trees. Maybe we have started to think all of this is our fault. (It isn’t.) Make a list of what has been going on, the things that have been said or done which have left you feeling destroyed. Talk about how that toxic person makes you feel and how so far you have felt powerless to change things.

Realize that love and pain are not one and the same. You do not have a good or healthy relationship if you feel drained, used, hurt, and humiliated by that person. If you are angry, depressed, lonely, hurt when you are with this person, it is no good. It is not love. It is simply an addicition to the toxic drug of choiceyour personal dragon. 

Is there a reason you have been sticking with this relationship which has nothing to do with your feelings? Are you staying in this relationship for your friends, for your parents for your kids? This is not good. The clock is ticking, your life is slipping away. You cannot stay in a toxic relationship for the sake of anyone else. The relationship has lost it’s value if being around the person makes you feel horrible. Don’t hold onto a hot potato.

Decide if you have to make the break and then do it permanently. No trial separations, no second chances, no giving it more time. Time will only suck more energy out of you and make the dragon stronger. This is asking a lot from you because you have become somewhat used to this toxic relationship. In some ways you find yourself attracted to it, maybe for money, security, sex, etc. Sometimes you have to give up a lot to get out.

Work on your health and physical fitness. Strong body, strong mind. Work on curbing any of your habits which are hurting you, like overeating or using alcohol or drugs. Make sure you are in shape to slay the dragon before you start. The dragon will not go away easily. There may be a confrontation and you need to be strong enough to handle it.

Only you can get yourself out of the toxic relationship. Only you can slay the toxic dragon. You have given the power away to someone who has no love for you. Now is the time to take back the power and take back your life.  Otherwise you may be slowly killing yourself by staying with that toxic, fire breathing dragon who is pushing you towards the grave.